Giving the Final Gift: Eleven Ways to Help a Dying Person Let Go
In our culture, the end of life is seen as a scary and lonely experience. So when a loved one is dying, you may feel afraid, awkward, and unsure of how to comfort them. Here are practical tips for breaking the death taboo and helping your loved one experience the peaceful passing they deserve.
By Patt Lind-Kyle, author of Embracing the End of Life
We all know that our life will end someday, and most of us try really hard not to think about it. But when someone you love becomes terminally ill, not only they, but you too, must face death. It's a daunting prospect and one that fills most people with dread (not to mention the urge to run far away). Yet you don't have to feel this way. In fact, you have a powerful opportunity to help your dying loved one release their fear and embrace, and even welcome, their death.
Most people approach death with fear, anxiety, and avoidance. In a word, they resist. So when someone you love is dying, the best way to help them is by supporting their peaceful transition. In other words, help them stop resisting death and enable them to let go.
But to do this, you must also come to terms with your misgivings about death. And the sooner, the better.
We all enter a state of resistance (called the constricted self), when we separate from our mother's body at birth. This constricted state is what makes you afraid of death; it is fragmented, fear-driven, and disconnected from your higher energy and awareness, also called your expanded self. Your expanded self realizes death is an illusion, a transition, and nothing to be afraid of. But when you face death early on (which my book Embracing the End of Life teaches how to do), you can access your expanded self and live a richer, happier, less fearful life—and have a peaceful and even joyful transition when the time comes.
Unfortunately, most people dwell in the constricted self their entire lives. So chances are, your dying loved one is struggling with fear and resistance, even as death approaches. Not only can you help your loved one experience a peaceful death, but you can also use the experience to come to terms with your own death.
You can give the gift of a good death to a dying loved one. It's about how they want to be cared for throughout their terminal illness. Find out the kind of music, or readings, or care your dying loved one wants. Remember that it is important to follow the process of death—not to impose your plan.
Follow these tips to help your dying loved one stop resisting death and let go peacefully.
First, prepare yourself. Near-death experience survivors have observed that at the time of death, they could sense any strong thoughts or negative emotions brought into the space by others. These emotions can impact the dying person's state of mind. Therefore, before you visit your loved one during their final moments, inwardly prepare yourself so as to not negatively affect their death. You can do this by meditating, calm breathing, or practicing mindfulness. The calm, inward-dwelling energy this creates will invoke a presence of love and caring that positively influences your loved one when they die.
Heal lingering wounds between the two of you. If you and your dying loved one have existing hurts or conflicts, lovingly resolve those issues now. Give your loved one a chance to express themselves or clear the air, and (gently) say what you need to say to facilitate healing and peace.
Don't shy away from talking directly to your loved one about their death. Let your loved one know that you would like to help them come to terms with their death. Make them feel comfortable talking about any emotions and uncertainties they may be feeling. Ask them what they need from you, and try to give it to them wholeheartedly. It may be that they simply want you to sit beside them in quiet presence.
Help them practice the self-care they need. As a person dies, they need to be in their own rhythm with family, friends, and caregivers. Encourage them to sleep, eat, pray, and meditate while remaining in a consciously aware state. If at all possible, try to keep them peaceful and pain-free, and help them to focus on emotionally pleasant feelings.
Encourage them to meditate. Meditation is a practice that prepares you for death. A daily meditation practice trains you to release and let go of your constricted self every day. On a practical level, it trains the mind to let go of the busy resistances of daily life. And when you are in the dying process, meditation prepares you to relax, stabilizes your mind, opens you to compassion, and creates a dynamic shift that reduces your anxiety and fear.
Encourage your loved one to meditate by using their breath, a mantra, or a chant that repeats over and over to help them let go of the mental world. This creates a growing sense of expansion beyond the boundaries of the body. If the person who is dying is unfamiliar with meditation, offer them a CD or video of guided meditation practices, or volunteer to lead them through a guided meditation yourself.
Offer them affirmations for letting go. Changing one's thought patterns is important to help in releasing resistance at the end of life. Write down the following affirmations and give them to the dying person, or offer to read the affirmations aloud to the person so they can focus on them completely:
Bring them soothing music to listen to. In the dying process, hearing becomes one of the most accessible experiences of your surroundings. Offer your loved one recordings of instrumentals, chants, and songs to bring them peace. If you are a musician, consider recording gentle music to soothe and relax your loved one in the months, days, or hours prior to their death.
Share your favorite stories and memories with them. Think of your favorite stories involving your loved one and share them during your visits together. Help remind your loved one of their best human qualities, allowing them to feel uplifted as they recall loving times in their life.
Speak prayers and reminders before and after death. As hearing is the last of the five senses to go, it is considered helpful to speak reminders and prayers aloud. When a person is dying and just after they have died, these reassure your loved one that they are not alone in this new state. Ask them what readings they would like you to read to them when death is near and afterward.
If your dying loved one is religious, consider reading sacred scriptures aloud to them both during and after death. The three major monotheistic religions—Christianity, Judaism, Islam—as well as Hinduism and Tibetan Buddhism all offer prayers and meditations for the dying and at the moment of death.
Use this "release formula" if death is prolonged. When the person is peaceful and all the physical signs of dying are present, but dying is prolonged, it may be caused by the family's refusal to let the person go. In this situation, I recommend Reverend Jerry Farrell's "release formula" for family and friends to say to the dying person. Softly and gently speak the following statements, either singularly or together. (Feel free to use your own words.)
Don't touch their body for 20 minutes after death. The first 20 minutes after dying is one of the most critical times for the person who has died; many traditions believe this period is the "gateway" passage of the soul out of the body into the next realm. Therefore, do not touch the body during this time. Instead, follow these guidelines to be respectful of whatever experience the dying person may be having. Recent research at the University of Michigan demonstrated that when the heart stops, the brain is still active for approximately 20 minutes.
The death of a loved one can be a challenging experience, especially if we ourselves fear the end of life. But instead of running from death when it hits close to home, you can choose to be present and help your loved one release their own fear and find peace in this very natural, universal process. This is the greatest gift you can offer them, and it can even help you become ready—truly ready—for your own transition someday.
# # #
About the Author:
Patt Lind-Kyle, MA, is the author of Embracing the End of Life: A Journey into Dying & Awakening, and is a teacher, therapist, speaker, and consultant. Her book Heal Your Mind, Rewire Your Brain won the Independent Publisher Gold Medal Award and a Best Book Award from USA Book News. Patt has written a chapter in Audacious Aging, and she is also the author of When Sleeping Beauty Wakes Up. She lives in Nevada City, CA, and can be found online at www.PattLindKyle.com.
About the Book:
Embracing the End of Life: A Journey into Dying & Awakening (Llewellyn Publications, 2017, ISBN: 978-0-738-75356-0, $22.99) is available at bookstores nationwide, Amazon.com, and BarnesAndNoble.com.
======================
In conjunction with our partners we would like to invite you to attend Fearless Fundraising on April 11th and the Mountain West Arts Conference on May 10th. We are also proud to announce our revamped professional development workshops with two new annual meetings. The first is for executive directors & senior management working at cultural organizations and businesses and the second is for cultural marketing staff. Both of these deep dives will be held on May 17th. Scroll below to read more about each of these incredible skill building opportunities!
Fearless Fundraising // April 11
Want to amp up your fundraising skills? Join the Association of Fundraising Professionals at Fundraising Day on April 11 in Salt Lake City. Hone your persuasive writing skills, discover 40 practical ways you can show your donors you care about them, discover how to take the fear out of major gifts, or learn how to survive – and thrive – as a department of one. With 12 breakout sessions, two incredible keynote speakers, and some of the most fearless fundraisers in our community – you won’t want to miss this! Register here!
Mountain West Arts Conference // May 10
Mark your calendars! The Mountain West Arts Conference is coming up on Thursday, May 10th. MWAC is designed to help individuals and organizations in the arts community access resources and create community connections. Register here!
2018 Annual Meeting: Executive Directors, CEOs and Senior Management // May 17
Join UCA and Utah Division of Arts & Museums for the first Annual Meeting of Executive Directors & Senior Management working at cultural organizations and businesses! We have revamped our professional development offerings and have replaced our Culture Bytes panels with half day conferences. Our new training format also serves as an annual meeting for various jobs in the cultural sector. This includes both nonprofit cultural organizations and for-profit businesses and sole proprietorships. This particular meeting will include a CEO roundtable, policymaking discussion with Utah Cultural Alliance and much more. Registration includes lunch! Click here to buy tickets and learn more about this conference.
2018 Annual Meeting: Cultural Marketing Staff // May 17
Join UCA and Utah Division of Arts & Museums for the first Annual Meeting of marketing staff working at cultural organizations and businesses! We have revamped our professional development offerings and have replaced our Culture Bytes panels with half day conferences. Our new training format also serves as an annual meeting for various jobs in the cultural sector. This includes both nonprofit cultural organizations and for-profit businesses and sole proprietorships. This particular meeting will include a keynote luncheon by Jessica Stern (Americans for the Arts), a speed dating with the press and much more. Registration includes lunch! Click here to buy tickets and learn more about this conference.
In addition to these two annual meetings, we plan to do another three this year. One for educators, another about diversity and inclusion, and the last on gender equity.
Speaking of gender equity, the #801creativewomen initiative is holding a fundraising event at the Wasatch Theatre on April 26th. There the world premier of the newest version of the play "What We’re Up Against” will be put on. You can learn more about the show and purchase your tickets to support #801creativewomen here.
Thanks!
Crystal
Crystal Young-Otterstrom
Executive Director
Utah Cultural Alliance // Utah Cultural Advocacy Alliance
cyo@utculture.org
801.652.0737
========================
Story of the Year
Premieres Music Video For
"How Can We Go On"
"Directed by the band's visual mastermind, guitarist Ryan Phillips, the brand new video is an
epic performance piece highlighting Story of the Year's non-stop energy and die-hard passion
for putting on a jaw-droppingly great show." -
April 6, 2018 - St. Louis, Missouri -During their West Coast pop up of album release shows, Story of the Year is excited to premiere the music video for "How Can We Go On" exclusively with The Noise today. A track from the recently released and critically acclaimed album Wolves, "How Can We Go On" is a classic, high energy, Story Of The Year song. "This is the only song on the new record that I wrote all of the music for. I like to write at least one punk rock inspired song for every record. Lyrically it's about desperation and trying to drag yourself through the mud when you're not sure if there's even anything worth fighting for. It's a great album opener and an amazing addition to the live show," says frontman Dan Marsala.
Fans in Southern California still have a chance to check out this track and many other hits live tonight, at The Glass House in Pomona, CA.
Guitarist Ryan Phillips created the video, along with every other visual content from the start of Story of the Year's return last year. With essential freedom in the creation of this record, the band poured out their honest emotions into every track, wearing their hearts on their sleeves. Wolves is full of depth as the band continues down a supercharged anthemic road of alternative rock/hard rock songs while remaining consistent to their classic Story of the Year soaring sound.
Wolves took over the #1 spot on the iTunes' Alternative charts along with a prominent feature in Spotify's New Rock Releases. The praise continued from outlets like
Billboard, Nylon, Fuse, AXS and Alternative Press. Produced by Aaron Sprinkle (Anberlin, New Found Glory, Acceptance) and mixed by Tom Lord-Alge & J Hall, Wolves is available on Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes and Pledge Music.
Upcoming Tour Dates
April 6 - Pomona, CA - The Glass House
May 1 - Capitol - Perth, Australia
May 3 - The Triffid - Brisbane, Australia
May 5 - Metro Theatre - Sydney, Australia
May 6 - 170 Russell - Melbourne, Australia
June 16 - Rockfest - Montebello, Canada
July 3 - Vans Warped Tour - St. Louis, MO
Story of the Year is Dan Marsala: Vocals, Ryan Phillips: Guitars and Computers, Josh Wills: Drums, Adam "The Skull" Russell:Bass and Vocals. They have previously released five studio albums -- Page Avenue, In the Wake of Determination, The Black Swan, The Constant and 10 Years and Counting: An acoustic reimaging of Page Avenue.
###
For more information, please visit:
http://www.storyoftheyear.net/
https://www.pledgemusic.com/projects/storyoftheyear
https://www.facebook.com/storyoftheyear
https://twitter.com/storyoftheyear
https://www.instagram.com/storyoftheyearband/
Hi-Res Album Art Download Here
Hi-Res Press Photo Download Here
